Trust fall

January 1, I joined the world and auto-generated my word for the year: fall.  Taken aback at first, I shoved it off as random.  It's several weeks later and I still mull over that word.  Our wild and thoughtful Creator has His hands in everything.  There is no random, which is when I realized: He's telling me to fall.  He has already been teaching me how little I trust Him.

Case in point: here I am biding my time until He makes me sell my house and give away all of our money, allows my child to be deathly ill and kills my husband.  Full disclosure here -- that is what I so terribly think about our God: the one who calls me Beloved, the one who can count all the hairs on my head, the one who formed me in my mother's womb, the one who has a plan for me, the one who died for me because He just wants to be with me, the one who calls me daughter.  In my heart, He whispers, 'You know me better than this.  Remember how gentle I am'.  

"Jesus, I trust in you," I whisper.

I have recently been praying for help to surrender to Him all of the wonderful people and things in my life.  I am finding that as I release what I cling to, He gently gives them back to me while nudging me in one small area of obedience.  As if to say, 'you have offered me your whole life, but today, I just want these ten minutes and these couple dollars for this specific purpose'. 

I felt dry in Mass.  After over a year of crying tears of joy every time I received Jesus in the Eucharist, I was sad to feel so empty.  I prayed again to trust Him and to surrender everything to Him.  When He asked for ten minutes and a couple of dollars of obedience on the way home from Mass, I wanted to say no, to go home and make dinner for my family, but my husband convinced me to obey.  Afterwards, the joy, the tears, and the passion for Christ engulfed me.  To think that He would let me be His hands and His smile today! The lesson is real: He loves us so much.  He does not want to make our worst fears come true.  Yes, we will suffer in this life, but He is so gentle.  If only I can give my little 'yes' every time He asks, how abundant life will be.